Archive for the ‘Bereavement’ Category

Not for me particularly but just in general. It must be worse for celebrities because they are usually always falling apart, despite their fame and their riches (serve them right). A million people have said ” Life’s a BITCH and then you die” and they are all so right.

There’s always good bits in between but apart from that it’s all death and grief. So there!

Believe it or not, I’m usually known to be excessively chipper but EVEN I have moments when I’m a bit morose.  Michael Jackson’s death didn’t help. I wasn’t a great big fan of his but I recognized his talents and his vulnerability. He was supposed to be around forever or at least for a good part of the next twenty- odd years. If he couldn’t be saved by the wonders of medical science then who can? All that money and he still copped it. And his money did not make him happy at all. Amazing sad.

My partner died a while back and I’m still not right.  At the time I played the stiff upper lip act and that was perhaps not such a great idea. My chance to wail and whine was missed and after a month or so I was expected to keep up the act. Thinking about him is no bad thing but even a person with half a brain would know that always thinking about him in terms of his death means that I’m on a  hiding to nowhere.

They say save your pity for those who are left behind but I’m all caught up in feeling sorry for the dead. At the end,  did they know it was their very final moments and were they experiencing some unimaginable terror then? Who knows — anything.

Moving on.  I kept the store going on my lonesome. But I’m changing things there — getting back to what it was originally meant to be about. I’m not giving in to the mainstream now and I’m not going to be stocking up on the more generic designs.  So what if it’s all a little weird. Weird is us/me and so be it. Amen.

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Feels weird to be writing that I love Sundays, because I used to detest them. Most boring day of the week and the dreaded Monday morning hanging over everything. Monday — when you had to go back to earning a living — and I think I could win an award for the number of totally-crap-jobs held by one human being. Everything changed when I started working on Larkin & Catcher.

I’ve never felt more enthusiastic about anything and enthusiasm is practically my middle name. I think many people eventually have their enthusiasm drained out of them in most jobs — the horrible reality that many businesses are rigidly tied to some predefined and inflexible model of operation and the dawning realisation that a majority of businesses do not operate in a form that truly encourages creative thought. Innovation and originality are stifled —  because everyone is so busy sticking to the corporate game and playing safe in order to avoid a knife in the back. I just like the maverick side of L & C and the way we take chances and don’t always opt for the safest option. So work life is happy and I look forward to being here — even if it is usually only in the virtual sense.

But back to Sundays. No lazy lie-in for me last Sunday — I was dragged out on a shopping expedition, despite my insistence that I had no intention of buying one single thing. But it was a good day — partly because we ignored all the ‘Sales’ and just concentrated our attentions on items which we felt had some value unrelated to their price — and also because it was good to be out in the land of the living again. Just relaxing in a coffee shop, idly flicking through newspapers, people-watching, sharing a double-choc muffin. He (a relative) bought shoes and I bought a book and some music.

Everything has been so intense recently, my non-working life has been so caught-up in thoughts of death that I’ve been in an almost permanent state of breath-holding — just waiting for the next big shock. I think Sunday was the most relaxed I’ve been since everything turned up-side down. When we got home we decided we were too whacked-out to cook and ordered a take-away — but then someone ate a bit too fast, swallowed too much and began to choke.  Some water and a lot of back-slapping fixed it and he was laughingly unperturbed. It was only two minutes at most — but in my head I had him dead at nineteen. I laughed, like everyone else — I don’t think they noticed that I was shaking and they would not know that my heart was pounding for ages afterwards.

I have to sort that out — the feeling that everyone I love can be wiped-out in seconds, with no warning. People all over the planet deal with it — the inescapable thing that we run around trying to avoid.

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